I thought I was a terrible mum, I really did. I was not saying this for people to counter with "of course you aren't". I truly thought that MadDad and the boys would be better off without me.
I couldn't separate the irrational thoughts from the rational ones, the weeds from the flowers and this was something that CBT allowed me to do in a really processed way.
When things got really bad, I would write. I didn't blog then, I didn't dare, but I did write a lot of my feelings in a small notepad, which has been hidden away, so I am going to share with you some of the things I wrote
"Why cant I go back to sleep, when I know that mini has gone back off to sleep, why do I bother to even close my eyes, when I know that sleep wont come"
"Why can I not comfort him, why can I not stop him crying. Why have a made a damaged baby?"
"I dread the nights, I am starting to dread the ticking of the clock. I want to go away. The tireder I get the harder it is to function"
"I want to drive the car in to a brick wall, to stop the pain in my heart and the feelings in my tummy, my boys deserve more"
£Everything is getting on top of me, I do not know how to cope, so I am hiding. I hate the world for making me selfish, I do not want to live".
I wrote this was Mini was 3 months old on 22 September 2006 and re-writing it like that, it seems so alien. I really did feel this way. The biggest part of my treatment for me was to realise that I wasn't my mum and that in seeking and receiving help my children would not be as effected by depression as I was as a child.
At this point I would have rather been dead than have them suffer the way I did. I wanted them to be sheltered from the repercussions depression can heap on to family life.
But my Mental Health Nurse empower me to be able to deal with these thoughts. He and I used CBT to help me initially recognise the negative thoughts and feelings, then to challenge them and eventually to change them.
It wasn't easy, but it was effective. I had to work hard to get where I am today. I had to put in additional work every day at home. I discussed this every evening with MadDad. I had Thought Monitoring and Challenging Forms and I filled them in, until I could fill them in just by thinking about it. The repetition in doing this really helped me and this major part of my treatment that I carry with me everyday and still use.
I am often found to be asking myself "what is the worst that could happen", "would I judge a friend like this" and "how would you see this if you went depressed".
More so than the medication I am thankful for the CBT. It is what allowed me to start living and stopping bullying myself and looking for eternal perfection.